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25 Worst Halloween Candies

1. Necco Wafers
Good news for the three Necco Wafers fans out there: Since last year, the chalk candy has been all-natural. Yep, ingredients like red beet juice, purple cabbage, and cocoa powder leaves are now used for a healthier treat. Know what else is all-natural? The eggs that’ll be fired at your house if you try to give these out. We fucking hate you, Necco Wafers.

2. Razor Blades
Hey, it’s supposed to be a trick or a treat, not both! Of all the horrible surprise candy centers, this is definitely our least favorite. Unless somebody else is consuming it, in which case it’s hilaaaaaaarious!

3. Circus Peanuts
It’s a fact that you can successfully ship the most fragile of china in circus peanuts. Come on, people, these aren’t edible. More than anything else on this list (and we’re including what’s about to come next), these will hurt you. How could these unholy, peanut-shaped marshmallow candies be anything other than one more item shaving years off your life?

4. Raisins
What, you didn’t have any pennies to give us, you old bitty? We’re gonna stomp you out whilst singing “Singing in the Rain.” Get the reference, old timer? Tap dancing on yo’ face!

5. Mallo Cups
he Associated Press, in a story about the maker of this candy, described Mallos Cups as such: “coconut-laced milk chocolate cups filled with a marshmallow center.” It’s pretty weird that they didn’t mention all the shit that goes into them, right? Literal shit. That’s what we taste when we eat them. And how are you gonna lace your shit with coconut and not tell us? That’s criminal.

6. Wax Lips
They’re not even candy, you assholes! Or are they? We can’t count how many times we took a bite out of these thinking maybe we were just confused and they are edible. Instead of giving these out, how about you pop ’em in your mouth and just kiss our ass.

7. Licorice Bites
You know that insulation for electrical cords? It’s made out of these.

8. Wax Coke Bottles
There’s nothing so refreshing as biting the top off of one of these wax Coke bottles and sipping on some intensely sugary syrup. They’re good to the last drop—that being when you drop dead of diabetes.

9. Jawbreakers
Halloween is about stuffing your face with a variety of candies as rapidly as possible until you overdose on sugar. What gives with a candy that takes an hour to eat? What fucking sense does that make? We hope that you choke, little old lady down the street that gave us this bullshit. We hope that you choke.

10. Candy Corn
It’s an autumnal blend of sugar, corn syrup, water, fondant, and marshmallows, and a Halloween staple, but the only time you’ll find this corn in our stool is when we drop a deuce in a bowl of them.

11. Good & Plenty
They may look like Mother’s Little Helper, but the only thing these repulsive, pill-looking, candy-coated black licorices help her to do is get you to swear off sweets and eat your broccoli. More like Evil & Plenty.

12. Orange Slices
The fuck does this look like, halftime at a youth soccer game? Unless we’re suffering from some sort of non-diabetic scurvy, we have absolutely no use for these wedges of sugar-coated shittiness. Save ’em for your dessert casserole, ‘kay, Grandma?

13. Candy Buttons
Tiny rainbow colored sugar candies that you inevitably eat with bits of the very paper they’re stuck to! If you’re gonna give us a sheet of something, make it LSD, please.

14. Crows
Why is it that the BLACK licorice always tastes horrible? And why is this mascot the shuckin’?

15. Peppermint Hard Candies
These mints are like the gift that keeps on giving—somebody dumps them on you around Christmas and you’re still trying to pawn them off on other people come fall

16. Boston Baked Beans
Why are sugar-coated peanuts called Boston Baked Beans? This has to be the most baffling candy name of all time. We’re so confused, we’re going to hurt someone. Law books will be written explaining the “Boston Baked Beans defense.” We’ll go to jail, but you’ll never forget.

17. Tootsie FlavorRoll Twisties
No one asked for these. No one. And yet they were forced on us. The tyranny of the Tootsie Roll corporation is legendary. OWS!

18. Mary Janes
Straight up: these should be weed. We’re in love with Mary Jane, not Mary Janes. We kick this hoe to the curb while we sing our Rick James-penned anthem softly and to ourselves. The candy can’t hear.

19. Sixlets
M&M’s without the M’s. Nice to know you care enough to go bootleg

20. Strawberry Hard Candies
These candies suck, literally and figuratively. The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center. We don’t ever want to feel this way again.

21. Peanut Chews
This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here’s the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.

22. Root Beer Barrels
All soda-flavored candies are really a fail. The suits will never understand that we crave the carbonation. It’s not like people go around drinking corn syrup. No; we want the fizz. Now take this candy and go kill yourself.

23. Chewing Gum
How thoughtful of you to go to all the trouble of digging down into the bottom of your purse for us! Really, you’re too kind.

24. Whoppers
Few things divide the nation more than these chocolate-coated malted milk balls. Maybe abortion. Unless you want your crib to be firebombed, keep these in your pantry.

25. Butterscotch Candies
Do we look like we’re 85 and shitting in diapers? Save these for the waiting room at the rest home, old man.

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